Marriage

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
***
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
***
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
***
When a woman steals your husband,
There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
***
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
***
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
***
Young son:
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
***
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late."
***
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
***
If you want your spouse to listen and
Pay strict attention to every word you say,
Talk in your sleep.
***
Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
Men would go through life thinking
They had no faults at all.
***
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
***
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with
A bald head and a beer gut,
And still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
***
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL...
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the
Ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk,
And says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your
stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick,
We'd be riding the bus now, so shut the hell up and walk."
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You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked.
But then I just drink some Windex. ...
It keeps me from streaking.
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands
free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the
room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at
him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"